Lost & Found

March 11, 2015  •  9 Comments

“Life is 10% of what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it.” ~ Dennis P Kimbro


Two years ago, my life was a mess. I was in an abusive relationship, and my marriage was falling apart. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I became very withdrawn and cut myself off from all my family and friends. I went months, without even stepping outside my door. I was so depressed the only thing that made me feel better was eating. I remember feeling so trapped inside myself. 


My inner voice was so afraid to speak, screaming for help, but I couldn’t speak out loud. Day after day would go by in a hopeless loop, where I would tell myself “Tomorrow I am going to make changes, start eating right, and taking care of myself.” 


Somehow, in all the distractions and issues of life, my tomorrow never came. I became adapted to my way of living, and it became the norm, my comfort zone. Many nights, sitting up awake and in tears at the mess my life was in, I would chow down on ice cream, or whatever I could grab to help ease the pain. It didn't ease the pain, and day after day I felt worse and became more insecure. 


After my husband and I ended our marriage, and I was raising 7 kids alone, it got worse. I would always make excuse of "I can’t afford to eat healthy, I'll just grab what I can find", or "I don't have time to exercise". 


I remember looking in the mirror one day standing there, staring at myself.  What I saw was not pretty. The pain in my eyes, was enough to bring me to my knees in uncontrollable tears. I didn't want to be this person. I was tired of hurting, tired of being hurt, and tired of making excuses as to why I was almost unrecognizable to myself. I could have pointed the finger at so many people, and things that have happened. But that day, something stirred up inside of me. I realized, only I could determine how I respond to what life has thrown at me. This wasn't the way!


The next day, I started out with a mission to walk every day. It didn't seem like a big deal, but I even made excuses to why I couldn't do that. I would fight with my mind and will power daily, but I stuck to it. Another day, I decided to add a workout routine. I went to Google and found a Jillian Michael’s video and added that to my daily walking routine. 


I became tough on myself, and told my kids to hold me accountable if I tried to quit. It's amazing how the brutal honesty of your children can motivate you. My seven and 10 year old became my toughest critics. It was actually quite humorous at times, and there were other times I wanted to ground them for life. They would take my water bottle and hide it, if I didn't complete my workout. Shouting "You can do it, Don't you quit! GO! GO!! GO!!!” 


There was something about knowing they were watching me, that gave me that extra drive and determination. I couldn't disappoint them, and I knew I needed to be the best person I could for them. 


I chose to take all the hurt, anger, frustration, and turn it into something positive. I begin working out like a mad women. I didn't let anything stop me. If it rained and was cold, I would walk around my house, climb my stairs and do as much as possible. At the end of every day, I began feeling accomplished. Stepping on the scales five weeks ago, and weighing in at 160lbs, was the best feeling in the world. I haven’t reached my final goal yet but the transformation has pushed me to step out and brave the scary place of being transparent in a chilly world. 


Not only has my weight loss helped me get healthy, it's given me so much confidence. That 210lb girl, who didn't have a voice, and held everything in, now has a voice, and I'm able to express myself. That girl who used to let people use and abuse me, now see's my worth and I know that I don't deserve to be treated like that. That girl that was hurting and so lost, has found an inner happiness, and has come to the conclusion that, I really like who I am, and who I'm going to be. 


It's been by the grace of God, and the support from my friends and family, that I was able to find myself after years of being lost. 


If you are struggling, to make a difference in your life, STOP IT! Make today the last day you make excuses. Make this moment the last time you let someone misuse you, and make yourself accountable from this day forward. It won't be easy, and you will have days where you want to give up. It's ok to have those days, but don't stay there. Get back up, and start your fight again. 


Every choice you make has an end result, so make sure that choice is one that is going to be positive. Believe in you and who are, and make it a point to be your best. 


As Henry Ford said, "whether you think you can, or can't, you are right". Don't be afraid of the changes, even though they may seem scary. Take it one day at a time, and only be afraid of standing still.


Congrats to you for all your hard work and taking your control back! What an inspiration you are; and will be to so many people including myself :)
Good for you for taking "your" power back! Congratulations and your story is very inspiring.
Beautiful words well written I have been in those same shoes and know how hard it can be
God Bless you my dear you are beautiful Keep up the good work
You have inspired me to get at it and lose the last bit of weight that I have to lose. I am so proud of you my friend. You look fantastic and hottttttt!!! lol Way to go girl
Pam Ferris(non-registered)
Jen, I am sure that this blog will be an inspiration to many women, and possibly even men, who are in a similar situation. You have proved that it takes guts, courage, will power and believing in yourself to make a positive change in your life. You also proved that YOU have what it takes!! I am so proud of you. You have made me want to strive harder to be a better and healthier me. As you said, our children are watching and they learn from what they see. If they see a happier, healthier momma, that makes happier and healthier kids. Love you girl!! Keep up the good work! <3
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